The Five Most Irritating Facebook Trends

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I do things on Facebook that annoy some people.  Like, for example, sometimes I'm just too awesome/hilarious/witty and I'm sure that sometimes my profile pictures are WAY too sexy.  And if you want to blog about the things that I do that bother you, go right ahead.  But you probably shouldn't, because you know how I respond to criticism.

That's right, I will put a horse-head-shaped pillow in your bed.  AND A FEDORA!  oooooo.

So, here we go:

1- Updating your status with "dear (inanimate object/random noun)..." Example: "Dear vodka from last night, thanks for making me feel like crap today, I just vommed on the mailman because of you.  Love, lushy."  Why do you do this?  Is vodka your friend on facebook?  And why are you using this extremely public forum to send it/him/her a letter?  If you want to write a letter (oh, by the way- a letter is like an email, but on paper, and hand written with a pen or pencil.. OR QUILL) to some abstract idea, just sit down at your time-wasting desk, take out your procrastination paper, and spend your time engaged in this completely unnecessary activity and leave me out of it.  I'd almost be okay with this if you were actually writing a short letter to someone on your facebook "dear girlfriend, sorry I vommed in your bed last night after you went to sleep and didn't want to wake you up to tell you what had happened so I just let you sleep in my puke.  Love, your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend." as much as this still isn't exactly the correct forum, at least you're not writing facebook status letters to Mondays, soup, alcohol or the city you live in.  "Dear Toronto, why is there so much snow on the ground?" If, one day, the inanimate object comments on the status, I promise to delete this post.  "Dear Maytal, sorry about the snow, I assure you it will melt, and then turn to ice, and then snow again and then melt and then turn to ice very soon so that you can slip a hundred times on your walk to work.  Love, Toronto."

If this guy can't stay upright, what hope do I have?  "Dear polar bear, are you okay?  Love Maytal."

2- The over-share.  Example "my cat hasn't pooped in over a week and he keeps doing this weird half cough-half vomit thing."  WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?!  There are some times where keeping things to yourself benefits us all.  I assure you, no one cares about your deeply personal updates, in fact, they make us uncomfortable and force us to question our friendship with you.  Before you change your status to "OMG guys, I think I have herpes!!11!" think: how well do I know the 500+ people who are my "friends"?  Do all of them need to know about the weird thing I just found on my genitals? How will it help me to share this information with my brother's ex-girlfriend's sister's best friend from grade school who now lives in Paris?  If you can't come up with good answers to any of these questions, just keep the information to yourself.  I would also like to know who worries about the bowel movements of their cat, and then thinks "this is worrisome... oh, I know!  Let me update my status with this information, that will definitely make me feel better!" 

Hey, when nature strikes, nature strikes!  You can't expect him to take you for a fancy steak dinner and not have to experience the after math!

3- Sharing your political views.  Example "guysssss, isn't this stuff in Egypt crazy?  No internet?  How do they even get internet in their pyramid houses?  Here's a random article I found that a bunch of people I think are cool have shared on their page, and now it's my opinion too!"   The reason I hate this so much is because it's probably the least efficient way to get your point across.  Consider the fact that most people on your friend list share similar political views as you do- it only makes sense.  You become friends with people because of similar interests, likes, dislikes; because you went to the same school, studied in the same field, joined similar clubs/teams/organizations.  All you're doing by spewing your political-infused rants is saying what everyone else you know is saying and agreeing with.  They call this "preaching to the converted."  It's a way of basically saying "yea, i get it, stop wasting your time telling me what you think, because it's also what I think."  I also hate it because it allows people to never have to form opinions of their own.  You're either aware of current events, and posting them on your wall (for some reason..) or you're not, so you're just going to take on the opinion of someone else who posts this shit all the time.  Instead of re-posting already written articles, why don't you write something of your own?  Or why don't you give people advice on how to get involved and change whatever situation you're whining about?  Oh right, probably because you like the appearance of being informed and politically-aware, but you like sitting at home, eating double-downs and complaining about events/places/political situations that you actually know nothing about and could never even begin to understand better.  

There's a lot more plagues to get to before internet is restored.

4- Relationship statuses.  I'm not giving an example of this, you know what it is.  I don't mind these as much when it's "married to..." or "engaged to..." although I still do find it a little weird.  What I'm talking about here is more so "X is in a relationship with Y" and then a few months later "X is in an open relationship with Y" and then a little while later, "X is now listed as single" and then "Y is now listed as it's complicated" and so on and so forth.  I find it weird enough that people feel the need to put their relationship status on the internet, but it's even weirder when I end up following you through every up and down in your relationship via facebook.  Also, at what point in the relationship do you think to yourself "this relationship won't really be complete until I update my relationship status" or "oooo, we're engaged!  So, I guess, you call your family, I'll call mine, and then we'll update our relationship statuses?"  My personal favourite is "X is now in a relationship with Y" and then a couple months later "X is now listed as single" but THEN a couple more months later "X is now in a relationship with Y"- AGAIN!  Didn't you learn from the first time around?!  When they are then once again listed as single, I'm always really tempted to comment on that listing with "obvs."

"Hey, wanna do it?"  "Nah, let's just change our relationship statuses instead!"
 

5- Pictures or statuses about food.  Example "eating home-made duck confit with Moroccan couscous and fennel, prosciutto and pomegranate salad!"  Ooooo, look at you, Jamie Oliver over here!  So you make food.  That's great.  It's essential to keep us alive.  But so are a lot of things.  Like breathing, or water.  But you don't see me updating my status with "spent a whole day breathing in and out.  Whew, am I ever pooped!"  So what's the difference?  Well, when you update your status to be about food, is it ever "eating a sandwich I found outside my house that has only minimal dirt on it"?  No, it's not.  You only update your status to be about food when you want to show off about how good a cook you are.  This also applies to making entire albums with pictures of food you've made.  You may as well just update your status to "I'm kind of pretentious and think that I'm better than you because I make fancy food from scratch."  All I'm saying is, if you're gonna do this, at least be honest about WHY you're doing it.  Also, your album of 112 pictures all of food you've made that feature absolutely no people or places make me worry about you.  Please also upload pictures of you at your gym so that I don't have to be concerned about having to rush you to the hospital because you're having a heart attack.

Put the file down and go through this man's facebook albums!