Semi-Live Blogging From the Golden Globes

From the hit film "The Social King's Swan."

8:10pm- This is going to be the most half-assed, unimportant, lazy live-blog of the Golden Globes.  But I'm probably going to have a lot to say.  Like, WHAT THE HELL Katy Segal?  You look like a new person!  I can't wait for the day that people start asking "who are you wearing?" AND "who is your plastic surgeon?"

8:12pm- Christian Bale got like, 20 minutes for his thank you speech.  Segal got a minute and a half, if that.

8:16pm- Julianne Moore, you are the sexiest thing to ever live.  And that one shoulder that's so much bigger than the other- WOW.

8:17pm- is it just me or is Temple Grandin being nominated every year?  Didn't that movie come out in like, 1999?  Oh good, a movie I never heard of has one for something.  Tom Hanks just mouthed "seriously, what the fuck movie is this?!"

8:20pm- Clearly "cut off" music is something completely different in France.  Where was that guy from?  France?  Oooo, Ricky's pissed.

8:21pm- "Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis"- AMAZING.

8:23pm- Rooting for Chris Colfer!!  OMG he won it!!!!  This is great stuff!!  Kenneth the Page is so happy!  I totally love this guy more than anything.

Speaking of gay, I would totally switch sides for this.

8:31pm- President of the Hollywood Foreign Press.  Everyone, take your pee break now.  I think this guy was at my last family passover seder. (Oh look, Obama was there too.)

8:34pm- OMG Michael C. Hall, what is that beard!?  You look like an actual serial killer now.  Buscemi, obvs.  Take that, Hamm.

8:37pm- Yea Dexter, that's what you get for having the crappiest season of all time.  Boardwalk Empire wins best... I dunno.... drama or something?

8:43pm- the guy that created Facebook with Mark Zukerberg and fed chickens to chickens is presenting.  He's kind of British.  And can't read the teleprompter.  And yet he created The Facebook.  With Justin Timberlake.  Oh man, am I confused.

8:45pm- how do we feel about J.Lo's dress?  Can't say I'm a fan.  I guess she's still married to that super gay, creepy Spanish singer, right?  Oh, listen to all these terrible songs that might win stuff.  Unfortunately, Cher has promised that we haven't seen the last of her.

8:47pm- proven by the fact that it just won!  How is that possible?!  That song is terrible.  Wow, Cher looks BAD.  Oh, that's not Cher.

8:49pm- more music?!  Uuuugh.  Oh, Danny Elfman isn't a bad choice.  I liked the score of The Social Network too.  Oooo and they won!  I forgot about how Nine Inch Nails also created The Facebook.  Probably because of the NIN/NSYNC tour that happened back in the 90s.

8:55pm- The Biebs is presenting.  It sounds like everyone's laughing at him.  He wore 3D glasses on the red carpet, BTW.  I guess he wanted to see all the celebs in 3D.  Andy, from Toy Story 3 is older in the movie than Bieber is.  Just putting that out there.  Brad Pitt, looking all judgemental.  "why are you not all as beautiful as me?!" Such anger from The Pitt.

9:00pm- Helena Bonham Carter looks FAB.  I love the hair.  We're nominating some ladies for some stuff now.  Anne Hathaway is wearing a terrible dress.  So is Angelina.  Whoa, Emma Stone has blonde hair now!  HOT!  A lady-kiss just occurred, FYI.

9:03pm- Uuuuh, Annette realizes that her and Julianne Moore aren't ACTUALLY a couple in real life, right?  Because maybe she doesn't...?  Oh good, she remembers that she's married to Warren.  They're a good celeb couple.

9:09pm- Someone let Sly Stallone present something.  This was a bad choice.  He now stars as Snooki's dad on Jersey Shore, I do believe...

9:11pm- Tilda Swinton is enunciating like a pro here.

9:13pm- I hope they play the cut off music during Pacino's speech.  He would kick everyone's ass.  This is the most uninspiring speech I've ever heard.  I'm singing over him, since they're not playing the music "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my pooooooker faaaaace..."  He's still going, and I don't know any more of the lyrics.

9:15pm- "Claire Danes- My So Called Life."  they may as well be nominating her for that, Temple Grandin is such an old movie.  Oh look, she won.  She's like "this is weird, I made that movie 10 years ago."  Claire Danes just said "Holla."  why?  She has a speech prepared, because she's been slated to win this for the past decade.  Who's got the best outfit tonight?  Temple Grandin does!!!

9:23pm- Is it just me, or does Zac Efron NOT look good?!

9:24pm- Carell/Gervais interaction.  Fantastic.  And Tina is the icing on the cake.  I'm finally laughing.

9:27pm- Aaron Sorkin doesn't speak as fast as I would expect, based on his script writing.  His tan looks... interesting.

9:29pm- That's not Julia Stiles!!

9:31pm- A movie about danishes just won. YUM!

9:38pm- Helen Mirren just tried to score with all the ladies in the audience.  I think she'll get lucky.

9:40pm- Actress- TV series comedy or musical.  Someone good better win.  NOT that Glee bitch.  Laura Linney.  she's not even there.  I haven't seen The Big C, so I don't know if she's funny or not.  I kind of wish Tina had won.

9:47pm- we're nominating funny men now.  Jim Parsons.  He's pretty funny, I guess.  I still always root for the 30 Rock cast.  On a personal note, my internet is being REALLY slow.  I'm also really tired and kind of just want to go to sleep.

9:50pm- HAHA, can you imagine if Jeremy Irons was your friend?!  And every time you guys talked he'd enunciate random words.  Like "hello MAYTAL.  It's so nice to SEE YOU."  Every conversation would become really intense and dramatic.

9:54pm- Cecil B. DeMille Award is up next.  I think Temple Grandin is gonna get it.  Oh, back to Jim Parsons/Big Bang Theory for a sec- Blossom's on it now?  How great is that?!

10:00pm- Just a quick shout out to my family- Awards named after another certain "Cecil" should DEFINITELY be given out.  Am I right?!

10:02pm- What the Cecil B. DeMille Award has taught me- I haven't ever seen a Robert DeNiro movie. These all look pretty good though.

10:05pm- Why are Angelina and Brad such jerks?!  Crack a smile, guys!  Being beautiful doesn't take that much concentration!

10:08pm- DeNiro's pretty funny!  And that didn't go on for too long.  Classy guy.  Especially his outfit:

Actually what he wore to accept the award.  This might be a lie.  Also, does he not look like Jon Hamm here?

10:14pm- I like that every terrible movie has been nominated in the "comedy" category.  They thought the category was "movies so bad it's funny."

10:15pm- Facebook just won for best movie adapted from a website!  I love that he just said "thank you to all the real people on which this movie is based" and then they panned over to James Franco.  Do they think he's Mark Zuckerberg?

10:18pm- Glee just won for gayest thing on TV.

10:24pm- Oh god, any time I even see clips from Black Swan I get goose bumps of fear.  They made Alicia Keys get off the stage so that Halle Berry could get on.  I support this decision.

10:26pm- Paul Giamatti is winning the award for biggest perv, apparently.  They keep shooting him from the back so that we don't see his boner.  I liked when everyone laughed when he referred to "the great nation of Canada." I don't think that was meant to be a joke!

10:31pm- I'm getting a glass of water now.

10:34pm- Natalie Portman won for scariest portrayal of a winged creature.  Her fiance is a dancer and his last name is Millipied.  There's no way that's his real last name.  Oh, her grandma is apparently an alcoholic.

10:38pm- Tim the Tool Man Taylor.  And this blog has gone full circle.

10:41pm- nothing to say about The Kids Are All Right.  I'm downloading it now, so I have no opinion of it as of yet.  Although Julianne Moore is in it, so it's already got my vote.

10:46pm- Sandra Bullock is winning the award for most sympathy garnered from a break up!  And the award for best facial hair goes to... COLIN FIRTH for his British facial hair!

10:53pm- Standing ovation for cancer being in remission!!

10:55pm- THE FACEBOOK TAKES IT!  I'm CEO, bitch!  Maytal Kowalski likes The Social Network Winning The Golden Globe and 4 Other Pages!

10:57pm- Ricky Gervais was a lot less controversial than I thought he'd be.  All in all, pretty predictable, some good fashion, some bad fashion, nothing too scandalous.  I give this Golden Globes a Cecil B. DeMille Award for effort.  Good night folks.