An Open Letter to Women

Dear women of the world,

Please stop updating your facebook status with the mundane things you're doing with your boyfriend/fiance/husband, and please God stop referring to this person as "my man."

I accept it; there's no reason for this to annoy me, but it really does.  I'm trying to work through my feelings (my therapist says this is for the best...) so here's some reasons that I think this may bother me:

1- You don't own this person.  I don't know that I'd enjoy someone referring to me as their "woman"- it sounds belittling, disrespectful, and as if I am inferior to my partner.  When you refer to your partner as "your man" I picture you carrying your little dog in a designer purse and dragging your boyfriend behind you as you shop for shoes and drink giant starbucks beverages.  You become a really unflattering stereotype, and someone that we would find downright repulsive if you were male.

2- I wouldn't mind these updates as much if they were something along the lines of "going to build houses for Habitat for Humanity with my man!" but no, it's always "having drinks with my man, then I'm going to poop, and then watch The Bachelor and then go to sleep." Your life is really lame.  And that's okay- mine is too.  But I'm not going to show off about it!  And the fact that "your man" is with you?!  That just tells me that both of you are equally lame.  AND, that you make your partner watch The Bachelor with you.  you bitch.             

You probably also bought him this shirt.  You probably make him wear it out with his friends.  His friends probably beat him up.  I know I would.

3- Honestly, the sound of "my man" just irks me.  It is the "fingernails on the chalkboard" of insecure women needing to tell the world that they have a man in their lives.  I get it- you're going skating with your man, you're going to visit your man's family.  You're going to walk your man because he needs to poop (oh wait, that's your dog, not your man.  I get them confused.  For many reasons.)  I don't care who you're with, who he/she is to you, and when you're doing your mundane activity.  You already have your relationship status on facebook/twitter/myspace/friendster/ICQ, and all your profile pictures are the two of you kissing.  I know that you're with someone.  Leave it at that.

4- I wonder how this would work reversed.  If I saw a male friend of mine with a facebook status along the lines of "taking my woman to a monster truck rally for our 8 1/2 month anniversary!" I'd either think "wow, way to claim ownership, not give her an opinion and take her to dumb shit for dumb occasions" or "wow, your girlfriend agreed to go to a monster truck rally with you if you agreed to make your facebook statuses as dumb as hers."

What is a monster truck anyway?  Because I'd go see this thing!

I am no closer to understanding why this bothers me so much.  There is a lot about relationships that I don't understand, and maybe a public display of digital affection is one of those things.  Why is the term "my man" so much worse to me than "my boyfriend/my husband/my fiancee/my casual sex partner/my male mistress" (I looked up the word for "male mistress"- one does not exist. I'd like to institute "Maestro")? I don't know.  Maybe it's not.  Maybe they're all equally bad.  Maybe I'll discuss this further with my man as we hem the dust ruffle.

Oh, that's an actual thing.  It's like a bed skirt.  It's not a weird sex move.  As far as I know.