My War on Toronto's War on Fun

The elections are over, and that guy you all hated lost.  Oh wait...

Anyway- we've all moved on, and now we're all complaining about something else, so let's begin.

Contrary to my usual posts, this one isn't really negative.  Well, yea it is.  But it's negative about other's negativity.  Allow me to explain: today, BlogTO posted a link to a story from Macleans called Toronto's War on Fun.  The main statement in the article is that Toronto hates it when people have fun, so they do everything to ensure that we never have fun because really, anyone in any sort of position of power in this city dedicates every waking moment to crushing our souls.

Red is "souls in tact" and white is "souls crushed"

This isn't the first time someone has complained about how truly and utterly un-fun our city is, and every time I hear it, I am left more stunned than the time before.  

I moved to Toronto in 2002 from Winnipeg and have pretty much had a blast the entire time.  Some cities are for the young hipsters (Montreal) and some are for the boring old people (Ottawa) but Toronto has it all.  When I was in university, I loved what the kids call "indie rock."  Bands were only cool if you had never heard of them, they were only fun to go see if the show was in a sketchy basement that smelled like patchouli and feet, and the music was only good if the person singing them had long, greasy hair.  These shows were usually about $5 or free, the people at the shows were all my friends, and the alcohol was relatively cheap.  All in all, a night out around that time probably cost me about $15.  As I got older, I realized that I was aging past the ability to stand on my feet all night and watch mediocre bands play even more mediocre songs.  My ears hurt at the end of every show and my head hurt every next morning.  I then started going out dancing more.  There are a ton of different dance parties in this city with different themes, on different nights, in different locations, with different DJs.  Again, they're usually only around $5 and you don't need to go down to the club district to have a great night out.  Lately, I haven't been going out as much, but have spent a lot of time just walking around the city.  The sun is out, people watching is great, there's always fun neighbourhoods to explore and new stores/restaurants/bars/coffee shops to walk into.  

But that's just me.  Let's look more closely at the aforementioned article for what the broader scope of complaints about this fabulous city is.  

"Two years ago, a community group took over an abandoned shack in Christie Pits that had an old oven in it, and started hosting impromptu neighbourhood pizza nights. The city’s response? Pay a $100 fee for a permit and cough up money to pay a city staffer to watch over things." 

Holy shit, NO WAY!  The city asked someone to pay for a permit to use something that they didn't own that the city did?!  What's next?  I'm going to have to PAY to rent a car because it doesn't belong to me?!  What is this world coming to?! 

 Here's the thing- no one told them to stop.  They just said "hey listen, this is actually not your property, and you can still use it, but if something happens to you while using it, we, as the city, are liable, so we're gonna need you to have someone watch over things so you don't turn around and sue our asses when some kid sticks his arm into the oven."  

And what about THIS atrocity? "This was pretty much the same approach the city took in February, when organizers of a youth group in Toronto’s immigrant-heavy Jane and Finch neighbourhood thought it would be fun to host a skating party at a local rink, complete with cookout and hot chocolate with marshmallows. The event was seen as a way of helping teens from places like Somalia and Cambodia get accustomed to the leisure rituals of their new country. It too was kiboshed, after the city demanded the group spend $80 applying for a permit and then purchase $2 million in liability insurance."

Toronto: denying immigrant kids the right to marshmallows.  You fucking terrorists.  Again, no one told these guys to stop doing it.  And that $2 million in liability insurance?  That doesn't mean it COSTS $2 million dollars.  It means it has to cover up to $2 million dollars in potential damages.  In actuality, it costs a couple hundred dollars at most, and it covers you, in most cases, for an entire year.  Again, is this property belongs to the city, and therefore the city has to ensure that, should something happen while this space is in use, they are covered.    

It's a bit similar to the painted bike issue- someone decides to use/alter/move something that isn't theirs, and then gets all whiny when the person whose property it is says "uhhh, can you stop that please?"  

I spend a lot of time on the aforementioned BlogTO, and find the comments to be hilarious but also kind of depressing.  Recently, there was an article about the frozen yogurt shops opening up just in time for summer.  They're admittedly quite awesome.  You pay for your yogurt by weight and there's a bunch of different flavours that you can mix, or you can just have one flavour.  There's also a variety of toppings and sauces and- fuck you guys, it's just awesome, okay?!  Anyway, someone actually commented saying that these shops are boring, that there is no variety, there's not even a taro flavoured yogurt.  Yea, that was actually said. There was a LEGITIMATE COMPLAINT about frozen yogurt shops not having taro flavoured yogurt.  

I couldn't stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it, and immediately messaged a good friend of mine who lives in New York about the comment (he's a big taro fan, so I kind of secretly wondered if he had posted the comment).  He told me that, on the websites he visits which are mainly New-York-music-scene-centric, many of the commenters complain about free concerts.  Stuff like "this venue's gonna be so packed, they should charge like, $5 for this" or "this year's free concert line up isn't as good as last year's free concert line up."  It then occurred to me that these are merely the problems of the over-cultured.  Our cities aren't trying to kill our fun- it's that our cities are SO fun, we complain about the most ridiculous, mundane non-issues.  For example, imagine if there was no access to public parks with abandoned ovens.  Someone comes along, builds a park, puts an oven in there (because when I think "park" I then automatically think "oven") and says "hey townspeople!  You can hang out in this park and use this oven!  We're going to have to charge you, as it takes staff to maintain this space and to keep you safe while operating this equipment, but it's a flat rate of $80 and you can split it up amongst your group."  Man, those formerly oven-less, park-less townspeople would love it!  But we've gotten used to having SO many options of things to do for SO cheap and SO often, that we actually complain about things like having to pay to use city property, or being fined for defacing city property, or NOT HAVING ANY FUCKING PLACE TO GET A GODDAMN TARO FLAVOURED FROZEN YOGURT.  

Pro-Taro groups take a stand

Remember the documentary "Let's All Hate Toronto"?  This was it.  The point of the documentary was to find out why everyone in Canada hated Toronto.  In the end, it is discovered that actually, the only people that really hate Toronto (or care enough to think about it this much) are Torontonians themselves.  You know how people say that confidence is sexy?  Well those people haven't spent a lot of time looking at boobs.  But also, the idea is that if YOU think you're sexy/awesome/cool/hilarious, then other people will think it too.  Because it is the reality you present to them.  Well Toronto, it's the same for us.  Instead of complaining about how terrible our city is, why don't we appreciate all that we have?  If you walk along Bloor between Bathurst and Spadina, you can go for sushi at what I would guess is about 453 sushi restaurants.  There's almost the same amount of frozen yogurt places and if one doesn't have your favourite flavour, but has one you like slightly less, you can probably fill your cup half full with that slightly less enjoyable flavour, and then go to another place and fill the rest of your cup with your favourite flavour.  If you were feeling really crazy, you could probably even just fill your cup exclusively with toppings and really, what kid DIDN'T want to eat their weight in sprinkles and chocolate sauce?  You can easily pay for a permit to use an oven in a park and have neighbourhood picnics- hell, you could not use the oven and just have a picnic for free! 

Let's take some pride in our city and all that it gives us.  Freedoms and opportunities that the majority of this world does not see, that we take for granted.  Because once we do that, the rest are sure to follow.  Hell, it might even earn us some of this.

The 2011 Federal Election in Canada or Why I Find You All Rather Annoying and a Little Bit Ignorant

I don't often write about politics, mainly because I don't know a lot about politics.  But this post is more about politics on Facebook and why I am angered by my newsfeed lately.

I eat my laptop in protest.

There are two main things you're doing that annoy me, and I have broken them down, complete with witty remarks and funny pictures because I know you care that you're annoying me.

1- Harper Hate on Facebook
Listen.  I don't like Harper either.  I'm pretty sure he's a wax robot which is why, during the Federal Leader's Debate he was always looking in the wrong direction.  His robot eye sockets were clearly programming incorrectly and by the time his creators realized, it was just too late.

Aaaaaaahh!!  Move his eyes to the left!  He doesn't see the impending collision!

Here's the problem though.  From what I understand of Canadian politics, we don't vote for a prime minister.  We vote for a local MP (member of parliament).  This is actually really cool and has always made me proud to be a Canadian.  I don't have to vote for the guy who has never lived in my city, let alone my neighbourhood.  I vote for the individual who speaks to the issues happening literally down the street from me.  The would-be prime minister who, let's say, has lived his whole life in Ottawa doesn't know whether or not my commute on public transportation every day is longer and more expensive than I want it to be, and wasn't shopping during the G20 summit, suddenly finding the store on lock-down as police cars went up in flames.  But my MP rides the same bus as me (maybe, kind of, in theory) and saw G20 protestors and police officers in complete chaos on the same streets that I did. 

It has become very en vogue to hate Harper.  As I said, I don't know all that much about politics, so this is hardly going to be a list of everything Harper has done or hasn't done that has been terrible for our country.  The problem though, with hating Harper, and focusing all your hate on Harper is taking the heat off the real issues.  And now YOU are becoming part of the problem.  The candidates now know that they don't have to be GOOD, they just have to be BETTER than Harper.  Hell, not even better.  They just have to say the OPPOSITE of what he says.  

How this relates to you on Facebook- 

Someone on my newsfeed posted a link to www.shitharperdid.ca with the caption "uuuugh, as if we needed more reasons to vote against this fool."  I don't really think this person understands how Canadian politics work, so here's a handy explanation:

What you think your ballot will look like.

What your ballot will actually look like.

You're not voting against anyone, or trying to defeat anyone.  You are voting for someone, and trying to help someone you agree with gain a voice within the Canadian political system.  Think of it like American Idol, but way sexier.

One of the most amazing elections to watch, in my opinion, was the 2008 US election.  After 8 years of Bush being AWESOME Obama came along and said "awww, hellz no Dubble-ya!" He inspired hope.  He inspired change.  He didn't look like your typical candidate, he didn't speak like your typical candidate.  He was charismatic, he didn't dumb himself down for his audience or speak in a patronizing manner to the typical voter. This is what we lack in Canada.  We lack someone who doesn't look like the middle aged suburban white guy who could never understand why we follow Justin Bieber on twitter, or how to download Facebook for iPhone.  I know that these aren't the real issues, but in order to pay attention the the real issues, we want someone we feel we can relate to on a personal level. 

If you read articles from just before that election, the question asked is, will young people who support Obama actually vote for Obama?  While the younger voters (typically categorized as 18-29) are generally more left-leaning, they don't often vote.  So why did they come out for Obama?  Because Obama ran a positive campaign, stating what he intended to do, why he intended to do so, and how it would help the country.  He spoke of positive change, and did not dwell on a negative past.  

I've been trying to find a positive ad for one of the Canadian political parties.  One that doesn't attack an opponent, but tells me what the party in question wants to do to make my life as a canadian better.  I haven't found one.  All I know is that everyone hates everyone else.  Because all that WE have asked of our leaders is that they are marginally better than someone else.  We're making it easy on them.  Here's what the Federal Leader's Debate sounded like to me.  "My opponent did X and that was bad.  I am going to do Y."  This is what the conversation would sound like if it was not politically motivated "I hate Jimmy because he insists we take the bus every day.  I'm better because I'm going to use a hovercraft to get places." That all sounds great, but how are you going to get the hovercraft?  Do you have money for it?  Do you hover over sidewalks or roads?  Does this interfere with pedestrian or vehicular traffic?  It's because of us that the leaders can get away with just giving a better option than what we've had, because we don't ask to hear how they're going to do it, or why it's actually going to be better for us, as Canadians.  So stop wasting your energy hating a candidate.  Does anyone have anything to say about some of their local MPs and why they will/won't vote for them?  

Probably not.  You just want to make statements so that it sounds like you are informed, but really you're just the same sheeple that you accuse Harper supporters of being.  

So what should you do?- 

Form a goddamn opinion of your own, focus on the positive, meet with your local MPs, watch the televised debates, decide what is important to you in your ward, and find the candidate that will help improve your life in Canada. 

2- Non-voter hate on Facebook

Not that you need to know, but in the interest of full disclosure, I will let you know that I ALWAYS vote.  I really love it.  I love living in a country that wants to hear my opinion.  Some people, however, don't vote.  There's probably a lot of reasons that someone would choose not to vote.  What I don't understand is why someone would choose to criticize that.  

How this relates to you on Facebook-

Here was a Facebook friend's recent status: "Do I really live in such a unique community that I can't remotely relate to all these claims of voter apathy? It seems clear to me that people wants change and they're willing to get out and vote for it."

Here was their friend's response, which I am excited to tear to shreds momentarily: "Younger people in suburbs and smaller centres, and I hate to say it but with less education, are not going to be fired up about voting. Those probably mostly aren't your friends. They certainly aren't mine. I have been wracking my brains and the internets to try and find stories for ShitHarperDid.com to use that those groups might glom onto so their points are a little wider-ranging...highway infrastructure cuts and higher taxes and such...but it's really hard to even think that way. I was working on something about a 2007 application by Energy Alberta Corp to build nuke plants in the Peace River area to fuel oil sands extraction and it took me a while to realize that demographic would probably be totally for it.

I worked the last election, in large part to see who is in my community...and it seemed I had extremely little in common with any of them. It's really easy, and increasingly so I think, to surround yourself almost completely with people just like you. Hell, I work at home for myself, I barely ever have to see anyone I don't like and 99% agree with about most things.

In fourth year university, I took a health psychology course.  There was this one girl in my class; bleached-blonde hair, wore uggs every day, always carried a different designer purse to class, and had one of those shrill, ditzy voices like the girls from The Hills.  My favourite thing about this girl though was that, every now and then, the prof would ask us for our opinions on the issues we were discussing.  Things like "why are certain races more prone to obesity?" or "why is HIV/AIDS on the rise in certain communities?" and this girl, every time without fail would raise her hand and answer with "um, like, probably socio-economic status?" and her voice would go up on the last word.  Y'know how that sounds.  She always cared SO much about the plight of the little guy, which is easy to do from high atop your pedestal.  Sounds like this dude above. "I hate to say it but with less education..." Really dude? First off, clearly you don't hate to say it.  It's in your first sentence.  You can't wait to say it.  It is the thesis of your comment.  I would very much like this opinion explained to me.  Because never in a Canadian school did I ever discuss politics.  It's not a part of the curriculum, we don't learn about politics from a young age.  So why would education have any bearing on whether or not I vote?

I lived in Israel as a teenager.  I often tell people about how, in school in Israel, at the beginning of every day, you have 10-20 minutes where the class discusses current events and politics with their homeroom teacher.  People usually respond with "do you watch propoganda videos about the triumphs of the Israeli army?" because y'know, it's easier to hate what we don't know than try to learn about it so that we can improve our lives, as we discussed in point 1.  But no.  That's not what we do.  Israel, much like Canada, is a democratic country, and all opinions are heard and considered.  Looking back on it, it's crazy to think about how much 12 year olds know about their political system.  We all had fully formed opinions!   And they all differed, and we all got an equal opportunity to discuss and debate them.  In this case, yes, education plays a part in why or how you vote.  But here in Canada, it is very simple to not have politics be a part of your life as you grow up.  So all of a sudden, you're 18, you get your voter registration card in the mail, and you don't really know what it's all about.  Because no one's taught you.  Because we're ALL UNEDUCATED in this regard.

Anyway, buddy from up above has been wracking ALL OF HIS BRAINS (not just the one brain, but all of them) to try to find issues that will get the apathetic citizen to vote.  He's not trying to find out WHY these people aren't voting, or why shitharperdid.ca- apparently the ONLY SITE ABOUT POLITICS IN CANADA ACCORDING TO YOU PEOPLE- does not affect said citizens.  Once again, the hovercraft example.  Let's try to nip the problem half way through, as opposed to in the bud.  

As the media has recently taught us, this is how you create a problem in the bud.  This woman turned her son gay.  Please do not turn our voters gay.  Wait.  What are we talking about again?

Back to the Obama 2008 campaign just for a second, the majority of his voters were either highly educated or severely under-educated.  So, y'know.  There's that.

 People don't vote for a lot of reasons.  Sometimes they don't vote because they think that whoever is elected will do a good job for them.  Or because they think all candidates are the same and they don't trust any of them.  Or they haven't had time to fully research the parties, their platforms and their local MPs, so they don't feel comfortable voting.  Or because it's not part of their lives growing up, so they don't know a lot about the political system.  Or they're so criticized by their peers for not being as involved in politics that they're scared to ask that someone explain the issues to them in layman's terms.

Let me get back to the fact that I've always voted.  That's actually a bit of a lie.  As I said, I grew up in Israel, and am therefore also an Israeli citizen.  I was in Israel during an election a few years back and could have voted.  But I didn't.  Although I try to keep up with the politics in Israel, being away from the country means that, although I can read articles and discuss issues, I'm not there and don't really know what I feel I would need as a citizen of the country.  Am I uneducated?  Am I apathetic?  No.  I'm responsible.  Voting without being informed, in my opinion, is more of a waste of a vote than not voting at all.  So I did what I thought was best for a country I care about.

Another friend's status referenced something said by David Suzuki during a speech he gave in Toronto.  "When almost half of us are not voting, you don't have a democracy. And when you have a minority government acting like a majority, all run by ONE MAN, I think you have a dictatorship"   

Now, I am hardly one to tell David Suzuki he's wrong, but damn Suzuki, you're wrong!  Here's an example of democracy, according to Merriam-Webster online "In a democracy, every citizen should have the right to vote."  The RIGHT to vote.  If you HAD to vote, if it was illegal not to vote, that's when we would no longer have a democracy.  We are lucky enough to live in a country where we can say "hey candidates, you kind of suck.  Want me to vote for you?  Be better." Because if we HAD to vote, candidates could all just be not-incredibly-terrible and one of them would still have to win, because we would have to vote for one of them.  And the dictatorship thing?  Ugh.  I don't even really want to say anything about how stupid that is.  We are having an election right now because the government fell in a non-confidence vote.  Y'know what doesn't exist in a dictatorship?  A non-confidence vote.  When you make a statement like this... well you're a liar, but also, you take away the severity of what a dictatorship ACTUALLY is.  If you tell young, impressionable people that we live in a dictatorship, then when they hear about an ACTUAL dictatorship, they think "well, that's what we have, and it's not so bad."  In much the same way that the soup nazi episode of Seinfeld made a lot of people think that nazis are people who are really mean about your soup purchase, making statements like Mr. Suzuki's de-value actual issues.

So what should you do?-

STOP JUDGING!  Do you get to vote?  Well then what are you complaining about?  In the same way that you exercise your democratic freedom by voting, the non-voters are doing the exact same thing.  By not voting, they're telling the candidates that they're not engaging enough, not in touch enough with the issues, don't reach out to their demographic.  If the candidates want to get those non-voters to the polls, then they better step up their game and relate to them.  And not by saying "Hashtag Fail" in debates *ahem, Jack Layton, ahem.*

This, on the other hand, gets the voters out in droves.

So in conclusion.  Vote.  Or don't vote.  Because it's totally up to you.  Look into the issues that are really out there, in your ward, in your city.  Make an informed decision that is 100% yours.  You can only control how your voice is heard, so make the best of it.  And if you have an opinion to share, please do so!  I'm still undecided as to how I want to vote (I live in Toronto, Trinity-Spadina) and would love to talk about the issues we face!

Umm... I don't know what to call this one? Hypocrisy? How We View the News? TBA, I guess for now...

Today is St. Patrick's Day, and we all know what that means:

This.

I've been out of the house from about 11am until about 9pm.  I've gone out to get a coffee, take out some money from the ATM, buy TTC tokens, go to dance class, etc.  And every time I have done this, I have seen some drunk girl, wearing entirely not enough clothes, running around the streets drunk, saying inappropriate and offensive things, and pretty much just acting like an idiot.  My first thought was "what a slut.  I mean, c'mon, have some self-respect."  But, my other problem is that I like to play devil's advocate.  I do it so much, that I even do it to myself.

The arguments that go on between me and me in my head are scary.  And kind of a waste of time.

So I thought about the recent "SlutWalk Toronto."  You can read about it here or here.  The idea is that we shouldn't be judged based on how we look, or how we dress, or how we behave.

There has also been a lot of talk about this article from the New York Times.  It basically insinuates that the rape of an 11 year old girl by as many as TWENTY EIGHT men was her own fault, or the fault of the mother as "she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground..." To read more about the controversy and response, this article is a great place to start.

I forced myself to think about things in a different way.  These girls can wear their trashy clothes, act in a trashy way or tease men.  This does not give us the right to judge them, it does not give men the right to demean them.  A woman should be able to take off all her clothes, tell a man she wants to have sex with him, and then at the last minute change her mind.

But then I realized-

There's another story making news in some circles lately.  And mainly due to the lack of news it originally garnered.  It is this one.  And this is the controversy.

I posted a question about this story on my facebook.  I asked why it didn't seem anyone was talking about it.  The first response was that, due to the devastation in Japan, a lot of other stories have not gotten as much coverage as they would have.  Definitely a fair response, and I agree, to some extent.  The second response I got was that the Israeli government has permitted continued construction in West Bank settlements.  CNN reported this tragedy as a "terror attack," emphasis on the quotations.  Fox News mentions in the headline that continued building has been approved in the settlements.  The main sentiment is that the family almost "deserved" this horrible fate, as they chose to live in a highly controversial area.

Just like girls "deserve" to get raped when they act like sluts?

When a terrible act of terror is committed (and yes, I would also consider rape an act of terror) we must not judge the victim.  The politics of the state in which they live, the way they dress, where they were, and at what time- none of this matters.

We ask for more compassion in this world.  We call for sympathy, empathy, and understanding.  Now let's stop picking and choosing when we choose to step up, let's stop turning a blind eye to pain and suffering based on politics, nationality or race, and let's start supporting one another- without judgement, without hatred, without preconceived notions.

Thank you.

Fogel Family funeral in Jerusalem.

The Five Most Irritating Facebook Trends

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I do things on Facebook that annoy some people.  Like, for example, sometimes I'm just too awesome/hilarious/witty and I'm sure that sometimes my profile pictures are WAY too sexy.  And if you want to blog about the things that I do that bother you, go right ahead.  But you probably shouldn't, because you know how I respond to criticism.

That's right, I will put a horse-head-shaped pillow in your bed.  AND A FEDORA!  oooooo.

So, here we go:

1- Updating your status with "dear (inanimate object/random noun)..." Example: "Dear vodka from last night, thanks for making me feel like crap today, I just vommed on the mailman because of you.  Love, lushy."  Why do you do this?  Is vodka your friend on facebook?  And why are you using this extremely public forum to send it/him/her a letter?  If you want to write a letter (oh, by the way- a letter is like an email, but on paper, and hand written with a pen or pencil.. OR QUILL) to some abstract idea, just sit down at your time-wasting desk, take out your procrastination paper, and spend your time engaged in this completely unnecessary activity and leave me out of it.  I'd almost be okay with this if you were actually writing a short letter to someone on your facebook "dear girlfriend, sorry I vommed in your bed last night after you went to sleep and didn't want to wake you up to tell you what had happened so I just let you sleep in my puke.  Love, your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend." as much as this still isn't exactly the correct forum, at least you're not writing facebook status letters to Mondays, soup, alcohol or the city you live in.  "Dear Toronto, why is there so much snow on the ground?" If, one day, the inanimate object comments on the status, I promise to delete this post.  "Dear Maytal, sorry about the snow, I assure you it will melt, and then turn to ice, and then snow again and then melt and then turn to ice very soon so that you can slip a hundred times on your walk to work.  Love, Toronto."

If this guy can't stay upright, what hope do I have?  "Dear polar bear, are you okay?  Love Maytal."

2- The over-share.  Example "my cat hasn't pooped in over a week and he keeps doing this weird half cough-half vomit thing."  WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?!  There are some times where keeping things to yourself benefits us all.  I assure you, no one cares about your deeply personal updates, in fact, they make us uncomfortable and force us to question our friendship with you.  Before you change your status to "OMG guys, I think I have herpes!!11!" think: how well do I know the 500+ people who are my "friends"?  Do all of them need to know about the weird thing I just found on my genitals? How will it help me to share this information with my brother's ex-girlfriend's sister's best friend from grade school who now lives in Paris?  If you can't come up with good answers to any of these questions, just keep the information to yourself.  I would also like to know who worries about the bowel movements of their cat, and then thinks "this is worrisome... oh, I know!  Let me update my status with this information, that will definitely make me feel better!" 

Hey, when nature strikes, nature strikes!  You can't expect him to take you for a fancy steak dinner and not have to experience the after math!

3- Sharing your political views.  Example "guysssss, isn't this stuff in Egypt crazy?  No internet?  How do they even get internet in their pyramid houses?  Here's a random article I found that a bunch of people I think are cool have shared on their page, and now it's my opinion too!"   The reason I hate this so much is because it's probably the least efficient way to get your point across.  Consider the fact that most people on your friend list share similar political views as you do- it only makes sense.  You become friends with people because of similar interests, likes, dislikes; because you went to the same school, studied in the same field, joined similar clubs/teams/organizations.  All you're doing by spewing your political-infused rants is saying what everyone else you know is saying and agreeing with.  They call this "preaching to the converted."  It's a way of basically saying "yea, i get it, stop wasting your time telling me what you think, because it's also what I think."  I also hate it because it allows people to never have to form opinions of their own.  You're either aware of current events, and posting them on your wall (for some reason..) or you're not, so you're just going to take on the opinion of someone else who posts this shit all the time.  Instead of re-posting already written articles, why don't you write something of your own?  Or why don't you give people advice on how to get involved and change whatever situation you're whining about?  Oh right, probably because you like the appearance of being informed and politically-aware, but you like sitting at home, eating double-downs and complaining about events/places/political situations that you actually know nothing about and could never even begin to understand better.  

There's a lot more plagues to get to before internet is restored.

4- Relationship statuses.  I'm not giving an example of this, you know what it is.  I don't mind these as much when it's "married to..." or "engaged to..." although I still do find it a little weird.  What I'm talking about here is more so "X is in a relationship with Y" and then a few months later "X is in an open relationship with Y" and then a little while later, "X is now listed as single" and then "Y is now listed as it's complicated" and so on and so forth.  I find it weird enough that people feel the need to put their relationship status on the internet, but it's even weirder when I end up following you through every up and down in your relationship via facebook.  Also, at what point in the relationship do you think to yourself "this relationship won't really be complete until I update my relationship status" or "oooo, we're engaged!  So, I guess, you call your family, I'll call mine, and then we'll update our relationship statuses?"  My personal favourite is "X is now in a relationship with Y" and then a couple months later "X is now listed as single" but THEN a couple more months later "X is now in a relationship with Y"- AGAIN!  Didn't you learn from the first time around?!  When they are then once again listed as single, I'm always really tempted to comment on that listing with "obvs."

"Hey, wanna do it?"  "Nah, let's just change our relationship statuses instead!"
 

5- Pictures or statuses about food.  Example "eating home-made duck confit with Moroccan couscous and fennel, prosciutto and pomegranate salad!"  Ooooo, look at you, Jamie Oliver over here!  So you make food.  That's great.  It's essential to keep us alive.  But so are a lot of things.  Like breathing, or water.  But you don't see me updating my status with "spent a whole day breathing in and out.  Whew, am I ever pooped!"  So what's the difference?  Well, when you update your status to be about food, is it ever "eating a sandwich I found outside my house that has only minimal dirt on it"?  No, it's not.  You only update your status to be about food when you want to show off about how good a cook you are.  This also applies to making entire albums with pictures of food you've made.  You may as well just update your status to "I'm kind of pretentious and think that I'm better than you because I make fancy food from scratch."  All I'm saying is, if you're gonna do this, at least be honest about WHY you're doing it.  Also, your album of 112 pictures all of food you've made that feature absolutely no people or places make me worry about you.  Please also upload pictures of you at your gym so that I don't have to be concerned about having to rush you to the hospital because you're having a heart attack.

Put the file down and go through this man's facebook albums!

Semi-Live Blogging From the Golden Globes

From the hit film "The Social King's Swan."

8:10pm- This is going to be the most half-assed, unimportant, lazy live-blog of the Golden Globes.  But I'm probably going to have a lot to say.  Like, WHAT THE HELL Katy Segal?  You look like a new person!  I can't wait for the day that people start asking "who are you wearing?" AND "who is your plastic surgeon?"

8:12pm- Christian Bale got like, 20 minutes for his thank you speech.  Segal got a minute and a half, if that.

8:16pm- Julianne Moore, you are the sexiest thing to ever live.  And that one shoulder that's so much bigger than the other- WOW.

8:17pm- is it just me or is Temple Grandin being nominated every year?  Didn't that movie come out in like, 1999?  Oh good, a movie I never heard of has one for something.  Tom Hanks just mouthed "seriously, what the fuck movie is this?!"

8:20pm- Clearly "cut off" music is something completely different in France.  Where was that guy from?  France?  Oooo, Ricky's pissed.

8:21pm- "Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis"- AMAZING.

8:23pm- Rooting for Chris Colfer!!  OMG he won it!!!!  This is great stuff!!  Kenneth the Page is so happy!  I totally love this guy more than anything.

Speaking of gay, I would totally switch sides for this.

8:31pm- President of the Hollywood Foreign Press.  Everyone, take your pee break now.  I think this guy was at my last family passover seder. (Oh look, Obama was there too.)

8:34pm- OMG Michael C. Hall, what is that beard!?  You look like an actual serial killer now.  Buscemi, obvs.  Take that, Hamm.

8:37pm- Yea Dexter, that's what you get for having the crappiest season of all time.  Boardwalk Empire wins best... I dunno.... drama or something?

8:43pm- the guy that created Facebook with Mark Zukerberg and fed chickens to chickens is presenting.  He's kind of British.  And can't read the teleprompter.  And yet he created The Facebook.  With Justin Timberlake.  Oh man, am I confused.

8:45pm- how do we feel about J.Lo's dress?  Can't say I'm a fan.  I guess she's still married to that super gay, creepy Spanish singer, right?  Oh, listen to all these terrible songs that might win stuff.  Unfortunately, Cher has promised that we haven't seen the last of her.

8:47pm- proven by the fact that it just won!  How is that possible?!  That song is terrible.  Wow, Cher looks BAD.  Oh, that's not Cher.

8:49pm- more music?!  Uuuugh.  Oh, Danny Elfman isn't a bad choice.  I liked the score of The Social Network too.  Oooo and they won!  I forgot about how Nine Inch Nails also created The Facebook.  Probably because of the NIN/NSYNC tour that happened back in the 90s.

8:55pm- The Biebs is presenting.  It sounds like everyone's laughing at him.  He wore 3D glasses on the red carpet, BTW.  I guess he wanted to see all the celebs in 3D.  Andy, from Toy Story 3 is older in the movie than Bieber is.  Just putting that out there.  Brad Pitt, looking all judgemental.  "why are you not all as beautiful as me?!" Such anger from The Pitt.

9:00pm- Helena Bonham Carter looks FAB.  I love the hair.  We're nominating some ladies for some stuff now.  Anne Hathaway is wearing a terrible dress.  So is Angelina.  Whoa, Emma Stone has blonde hair now!  HOT!  A lady-kiss just occurred, FYI.

9:03pm- Uuuuh, Annette realizes that her and Julianne Moore aren't ACTUALLY a couple in real life, right?  Because maybe she doesn't...?  Oh good, she remembers that she's married to Warren.  They're a good celeb couple.

9:09pm- Someone let Sly Stallone present something.  This was a bad choice.  He now stars as Snooki's dad on Jersey Shore, I do believe...

9:11pm- Tilda Swinton is enunciating like a pro here.

9:13pm- I hope they play the cut off music during Pacino's speech.  He would kick everyone's ass.  This is the most uninspiring speech I've ever heard.  I'm singing over him, since they're not playing the music "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my pooooooker faaaaace..."  He's still going, and I don't know any more of the lyrics.

9:15pm- "Claire Danes- My So Called Life."  they may as well be nominating her for that, Temple Grandin is such an old movie.  Oh look, she won.  She's like "this is weird, I made that movie 10 years ago."  Claire Danes just said "Holla."  why?  She has a speech prepared, because she's been slated to win this for the past decade.  Who's got the best outfit tonight?  Temple Grandin does!!!

9:23pm- Is it just me, or does Zac Efron NOT look good?!

9:24pm- Carell/Gervais interaction.  Fantastic.  And Tina is the icing on the cake.  I'm finally laughing.

9:27pm- Aaron Sorkin doesn't speak as fast as I would expect, based on his script writing.  His tan looks... interesting.

9:29pm- That's not Julia Stiles!!

9:31pm- A movie about danishes just won. YUM!

9:38pm- Helen Mirren just tried to score with all the ladies in the audience.  I think she'll get lucky.

9:40pm- Actress- TV series comedy or musical.  Someone good better win.  NOT that Glee bitch.  Laura Linney.  she's not even there.  I haven't seen The Big C, so I don't know if she's funny or not.  I kind of wish Tina had won.

9:47pm- we're nominating funny men now.  Jim Parsons.  He's pretty funny, I guess.  I still always root for the 30 Rock cast.  On a personal note, my internet is being REALLY slow.  I'm also really tired and kind of just want to go to sleep.

9:50pm- HAHA, can you imagine if Jeremy Irons was your friend?!  And every time you guys talked he'd enunciate random words.  Like "hello MAYTAL.  It's so nice to SEE YOU."  Every conversation would become really intense and dramatic.

9:54pm- Cecil B. DeMille Award is up next.  I think Temple Grandin is gonna get it.  Oh, back to Jim Parsons/Big Bang Theory for a sec- Blossom's on it now?  How great is that?!

10:00pm- Just a quick shout out to my family- Awards named after another certain "Cecil" should DEFINITELY be given out.  Am I right?!

10:02pm- What the Cecil B. DeMille Award has taught me- I haven't ever seen a Robert DeNiro movie. These all look pretty good though.

10:05pm- Why are Angelina and Brad such jerks?!  Crack a smile, guys!  Being beautiful doesn't take that much concentration!

10:08pm- DeNiro's pretty funny!  And that didn't go on for too long.  Classy guy.  Especially his outfit:

Actually what he wore to accept the award.  This might be a lie.  Also, does he not look like Jon Hamm here?

10:14pm- I like that every terrible movie has been nominated in the "comedy" category.  They thought the category was "movies so bad it's funny."

10:15pm- Facebook just won for best movie adapted from a website!  I love that he just said "thank you to all the real people on which this movie is based" and then they panned over to James Franco.  Do they think he's Mark Zuckerberg?

10:18pm- Glee just won for gayest thing on TV.

10:24pm- Oh god, any time I even see clips from Black Swan I get goose bumps of fear.  They made Alicia Keys get off the stage so that Halle Berry could get on.  I support this decision.

10:26pm- Paul Giamatti is winning the award for biggest perv, apparently.  They keep shooting him from the back so that we don't see his boner.  I liked when everyone laughed when he referred to "the great nation of Canada." I don't think that was meant to be a joke!

10:31pm- I'm getting a glass of water now.

10:34pm- Natalie Portman won for scariest portrayal of a winged creature.  Her fiance is a dancer and his last name is Millipied.  There's no way that's his real last name.  Oh, her grandma is apparently an alcoholic.

10:38pm- Tim the Tool Man Taylor.  And this blog has gone full circle.

10:41pm- nothing to say about The Kids Are All Right.  I'm downloading it now, so I have no opinion of it as of yet.  Although Julianne Moore is in it, so it's already got my vote.

10:46pm- Sandra Bullock is winning the award for most sympathy garnered from a break up!  And the award for best facial hair goes to... COLIN FIRTH for his British facial hair!

10:53pm- Standing ovation for cancer being in remission!!

10:55pm- THE FACEBOOK TAKES IT!  I'm CEO, bitch!  Maytal Kowalski likes The Social Network Winning The Golden Globe and 4 Other Pages!

10:57pm- Ricky Gervais was a lot less controversial than I thought he'd be.  All in all, pretty predictable, some good fashion, some bad fashion, nothing too scandalous.  I give this Golden Globes a Cecil B. DeMille Award for effort.  Good night folks.

An Open Letter to Women

Dear women of the world,

Please stop updating your facebook status with the mundane things you're doing with your boyfriend/fiance/husband, and please God stop referring to this person as "my man."

I accept it; there's no reason for this to annoy me, but it really does.  I'm trying to work through my feelings (my therapist says this is for the best...) so here's some reasons that I think this may bother me:

1- You don't own this person.  I don't know that I'd enjoy someone referring to me as their "woman"- it sounds belittling, disrespectful, and as if I am inferior to my partner.  When you refer to your partner as "your man" I picture you carrying your little dog in a designer purse and dragging your boyfriend behind you as you shop for shoes and drink giant starbucks beverages.  You become a really unflattering stereotype, and someone that we would find downright repulsive if you were male.

2- I wouldn't mind these updates as much if they were something along the lines of "going to build houses for Habitat for Humanity with my man!" but no, it's always "having drinks with my man, then I'm going to poop, and then watch The Bachelor and then go to sleep." Your life is really lame.  And that's okay- mine is too.  But I'm not going to show off about it!  And the fact that "your man" is with you?!  That just tells me that both of you are equally lame.  AND, that you make your partner watch The Bachelor with you.  you bitch.             

You probably also bought him this shirt.  You probably make him wear it out with his friends.  His friends probably beat him up.  I know I would.

3- Honestly, the sound of "my man" just irks me.  It is the "fingernails on the chalkboard" of insecure women needing to tell the world that they have a man in their lives.  I get it- you're going skating with your man, you're going to visit your man's family.  You're going to walk your man because he needs to poop (oh wait, that's your dog, not your man.  I get them confused.  For many reasons.)  I don't care who you're with, who he/she is to you, and when you're doing your mundane activity.  You already have your relationship status on facebook/twitter/myspace/friendster/ICQ, and all your profile pictures are the two of you kissing.  I know that you're with someone.  Leave it at that.

4- I wonder how this would work reversed.  If I saw a male friend of mine with a facebook status along the lines of "taking my woman to a monster truck rally for our 8 1/2 month anniversary!" I'd either think "wow, way to claim ownership, not give her an opinion and take her to dumb shit for dumb occasions" or "wow, your girlfriend agreed to go to a monster truck rally with you if you agreed to make your facebook statuses as dumb as hers."

What is a monster truck anyway?  Because I'd go see this thing!

I am no closer to understanding why this bothers me so much.  There is a lot about relationships that I don't understand, and maybe a public display of digital affection is one of those things.  Why is the term "my man" so much worse to me than "my boyfriend/my husband/my fiancee/my casual sex partner/my male mistress" (I looked up the word for "male mistress"- one does not exist. I'd like to institute "Maestro")? I don't know.  Maybe it's not.  Maybe they're all equally bad.  Maybe I'll discuss this further with my man as we hem the dust ruffle.

Oh, that's an actual thing.  It's like a bed skirt.  It's not a weird sex move.  As far as I know.  

UPDATE 2: Celebrity Digital Death

Bitch tweeted!

Like all dead people.

Twitter didn't exist back then.  But this guy sure did party post-posthumously...