The Five Most Irritating Facebook Trends

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I do things on Facebook that annoy some people.  Like, for example, sometimes I'm just too awesome/hilarious/witty and I'm sure that sometimes my profile pictures are WAY too sexy.  And if you want to blog about the things that I do that bother you, go right ahead.  But you probably shouldn't, because you know how I respond to criticism.

That's right, I will put a horse-head-shaped pillow in your bed.  AND A FEDORA!  oooooo.

So, here we go:

1- Updating your status with "dear (inanimate object/random noun)..." Example: "Dear vodka from last night, thanks for making me feel like crap today, I just vommed on the mailman because of you.  Love, lushy."  Why do you do this?  Is vodka your friend on facebook?  And why are you using this extremely public forum to send it/him/her a letter?  If you want to write a letter (oh, by the way- a letter is like an email, but on paper, and hand written with a pen or pencil.. OR QUILL) to some abstract idea, just sit down at your time-wasting desk, take out your procrastination paper, and spend your time engaged in this completely unnecessary activity and leave me out of it.  I'd almost be okay with this if you were actually writing a short letter to someone on your facebook "dear girlfriend, sorry I vommed in your bed last night after you went to sleep and didn't want to wake you up to tell you what had happened so I just let you sleep in my puke.  Love, your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend." as much as this still isn't exactly the correct forum, at least you're not writing facebook status letters to Mondays, soup, alcohol or the city you live in.  "Dear Toronto, why is there so much snow on the ground?" If, one day, the inanimate object comments on the status, I promise to delete this post.  "Dear Maytal, sorry about the snow, I assure you it will melt, and then turn to ice, and then snow again and then melt and then turn to ice very soon so that you can slip a hundred times on your walk to work.  Love, Toronto."

If this guy can't stay upright, what hope do I have?  "Dear polar bear, are you okay?  Love Maytal."

2- The over-share.  Example "my cat hasn't pooped in over a week and he keeps doing this weird half cough-half vomit thing."  WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?!  There are some times where keeping things to yourself benefits us all.  I assure you, no one cares about your deeply personal updates, in fact, they make us uncomfortable and force us to question our friendship with you.  Before you change your status to "OMG guys, I think I have herpes!!11!" think: how well do I know the 500+ people who are my "friends"?  Do all of them need to know about the weird thing I just found on my genitals? How will it help me to share this information with my brother's ex-girlfriend's sister's best friend from grade school who now lives in Paris?  If you can't come up with good answers to any of these questions, just keep the information to yourself.  I would also like to know who worries about the bowel movements of their cat, and then thinks "this is worrisome... oh, I know!  Let me update my status with this information, that will definitely make me feel better!" 

Hey, when nature strikes, nature strikes!  You can't expect him to take you for a fancy steak dinner and not have to experience the after math!

3- Sharing your political views.  Example "guysssss, isn't this stuff in Egypt crazy?  No internet?  How do they even get internet in their pyramid houses?  Here's a random article I found that a bunch of people I think are cool have shared on their page, and now it's my opinion too!"   The reason I hate this so much is because it's probably the least efficient way to get your point across.  Consider the fact that most people on your friend list share similar political views as you do- it only makes sense.  You become friends with people because of similar interests, likes, dislikes; because you went to the same school, studied in the same field, joined similar clubs/teams/organizations.  All you're doing by spewing your political-infused rants is saying what everyone else you know is saying and agreeing with.  They call this "preaching to the converted."  It's a way of basically saying "yea, i get it, stop wasting your time telling me what you think, because it's also what I think."  I also hate it because it allows people to never have to form opinions of their own.  You're either aware of current events, and posting them on your wall (for some reason..) or you're not, so you're just going to take on the opinion of someone else who posts this shit all the time.  Instead of re-posting already written articles, why don't you write something of your own?  Or why don't you give people advice on how to get involved and change whatever situation you're whining about?  Oh right, probably because you like the appearance of being informed and politically-aware, but you like sitting at home, eating double-downs and complaining about events/places/political situations that you actually know nothing about and could never even begin to understand better.  

There's a lot more plagues to get to before internet is restored.

4- Relationship statuses.  I'm not giving an example of this, you know what it is.  I don't mind these as much when it's "married to..." or "engaged to..." although I still do find it a little weird.  What I'm talking about here is more so "X is in a relationship with Y" and then a few months later "X is in an open relationship with Y" and then a little while later, "X is now listed as single" and then "Y is now listed as it's complicated" and so on and so forth.  I find it weird enough that people feel the need to put their relationship status on the internet, but it's even weirder when I end up following you through every up and down in your relationship via facebook.  Also, at what point in the relationship do you think to yourself "this relationship won't really be complete until I update my relationship status" or "oooo, we're engaged!  So, I guess, you call your family, I'll call mine, and then we'll update our relationship statuses?"  My personal favourite is "X is now in a relationship with Y" and then a couple months later "X is now listed as single" but THEN a couple more months later "X is now in a relationship with Y"- AGAIN!  Didn't you learn from the first time around?!  When they are then once again listed as single, I'm always really tempted to comment on that listing with "obvs."

"Hey, wanna do it?"  "Nah, let's just change our relationship statuses instead!"
 

5- Pictures or statuses about food.  Example "eating home-made duck confit with Moroccan couscous and fennel, prosciutto and pomegranate salad!"  Ooooo, look at you, Jamie Oliver over here!  So you make food.  That's great.  It's essential to keep us alive.  But so are a lot of things.  Like breathing, or water.  But you don't see me updating my status with "spent a whole day breathing in and out.  Whew, am I ever pooped!"  So what's the difference?  Well, when you update your status to be about food, is it ever "eating a sandwich I found outside my house that has only minimal dirt on it"?  No, it's not.  You only update your status to be about food when you want to show off about how good a cook you are.  This also applies to making entire albums with pictures of food you've made.  You may as well just update your status to "I'm kind of pretentious and think that I'm better than you because I make fancy food from scratch."  All I'm saying is, if you're gonna do this, at least be honest about WHY you're doing it.  Also, your album of 112 pictures all of food you've made that feature absolutely no people or places make me worry about you.  Please also upload pictures of you at your gym so that I don't have to be concerned about having to rush you to the hospital because you're having a heart attack.

Put the file down and go through this man's facebook albums!

Semi-Live Blogging From the Golden Globes

From the hit film "The Social King's Swan."

8:10pm- This is going to be the most half-assed, unimportant, lazy live-blog of the Golden Globes.  But I'm probably going to have a lot to say.  Like, WHAT THE HELL Katy Segal?  You look like a new person!  I can't wait for the day that people start asking "who are you wearing?" AND "who is your plastic surgeon?"

8:12pm- Christian Bale got like, 20 minutes for his thank you speech.  Segal got a minute and a half, if that.

8:16pm- Julianne Moore, you are the sexiest thing to ever live.  And that one shoulder that's so much bigger than the other- WOW.

8:17pm- is it just me or is Temple Grandin being nominated every year?  Didn't that movie come out in like, 1999?  Oh good, a movie I never heard of has one for something.  Tom Hanks just mouthed "seriously, what the fuck movie is this?!"

8:20pm- Clearly "cut off" music is something completely different in France.  Where was that guy from?  France?  Oooo, Ricky's pissed.

8:21pm- "Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis"- AMAZING.

8:23pm- Rooting for Chris Colfer!!  OMG he won it!!!!  This is great stuff!!  Kenneth the Page is so happy!  I totally love this guy more than anything.

Speaking of gay, I would totally switch sides for this.

8:31pm- President of the Hollywood Foreign Press.  Everyone, take your pee break now.  I think this guy was at my last family passover seder. (Oh look, Obama was there too.)

8:34pm- OMG Michael C. Hall, what is that beard!?  You look like an actual serial killer now.  Buscemi, obvs.  Take that, Hamm.

8:37pm- Yea Dexter, that's what you get for having the crappiest season of all time.  Boardwalk Empire wins best... I dunno.... drama or something?

8:43pm- the guy that created Facebook with Mark Zukerberg and fed chickens to chickens is presenting.  He's kind of British.  And can't read the teleprompter.  And yet he created The Facebook.  With Justin Timberlake.  Oh man, am I confused.

8:45pm- how do we feel about J.Lo's dress?  Can't say I'm a fan.  I guess she's still married to that super gay, creepy Spanish singer, right?  Oh, listen to all these terrible songs that might win stuff.  Unfortunately, Cher has promised that we haven't seen the last of her.

8:47pm- proven by the fact that it just won!  How is that possible?!  That song is terrible.  Wow, Cher looks BAD.  Oh, that's not Cher.

8:49pm- more music?!  Uuuugh.  Oh, Danny Elfman isn't a bad choice.  I liked the score of The Social Network too.  Oooo and they won!  I forgot about how Nine Inch Nails also created The Facebook.  Probably because of the NIN/NSYNC tour that happened back in the 90s.

8:55pm- The Biebs is presenting.  It sounds like everyone's laughing at him.  He wore 3D glasses on the red carpet, BTW.  I guess he wanted to see all the celebs in 3D.  Andy, from Toy Story 3 is older in the movie than Bieber is.  Just putting that out there.  Brad Pitt, looking all judgemental.  "why are you not all as beautiful as me?!" Such anger from The Pitt.

9:00pm- Helena Bonham Carter looks FAB.  I love the hair.  We're nominating some ladies for some stuff now.  Anne Hathaway is wearing a terrible dress.  So is Angelina.  Whoa, Emma Stone has blonde hair now!  HOT!  A lady-kiss just occurred, FYI.

9:03pm- Uuuuh, Annette realizes that her and Julianne Moore aren't ACTUALLY a couple in real life, right?  Because maybe she doesn't...?  Oh good, she remembers that she's married to Warren.  They're a good celeb couple.

9:09pm- Someone let Sly Stallone present something.  This was a bad choice.  He now stars as Snooki's dad on Jersey Shore, I do believe...

9:11pm- Tilda Swinton is enunciating like a pro here.

9:13pm- I hope they play the cut off music during Pacino's speech.  He would kick everyone's ass.  This is the most uninspiring speech I've ever heard.  I'm singing over him, since they're not playing the music "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my pooooooker faaaaace..."  He's still going, and I don't know any more of the lyrics.

9:15pm- "Claire Danes- My So Called Life."  they may as well be nominating her for that, Temple Grandin is such an old movie.  Oh look, she won.  She's like "this is weird, I made that movie 10 years ago."  Claire Danes just said "Holla."  why?  She has a speech prepared, because she's been slated to win this for the past decade.  Who's got the best outfit tonight?  Temple Grandin does!!!

9:23pm- Is it just me, or does Zac Efron NOT look good?!

9:24pm- Carell/Gervais interaction.  Fantastic.  And Tina is the icing on the cake.  I'm finally laughing.

9:27pm- Aaron Sorkin doesn't speak as fast as I would expect, based on his script writing.  His tan looks... interesting.

9:29pm- That's not Julia Stiles!!

9:31pm- A movie about danishes just won. YUM!

9:38pm- Helen Mirren just tried to score with all the ladies in the audience.  I think she'll get lucky.

9:40pm- Actress- TV series comedy or musical.  Someone good better win.  NOT that Glee bitch.  Laura Linney.  she's not even there.  I haven't seen The Big C, so I don't know if she's funny or not.  I kind of wish Tina had won.

9:47pm- we're nominating funny men now.  Jim Parsons.  He's pretty funny, I guess.  I still always root for the 30 Rock cast.  On a personal note, my internet is being REALLY slow.  I'm also really tired and kind of just want to go to sleep.

9:50pm- HAHA, can you imagine if Jeremy Irons was your friend?!  And every time you guys talked he'd enunciate random words.  Like "hello MAYTAL.  It's so nice to SEE YOU."  Every conversation would become really intense and dramatic.

9:54pm- Cecil B. DeMille Award is up next.  I think Temple Grandin is gonna get it.  Oh, back to Jim Parsons/Big Bang Theory for a sec- Blossom's on it now?  How great is that?!

10:00pm- Just a quick shout out to my family- Awards named after another certain "Cecil" should DEFINITELY be given out.  Am I right?!

10:02pm- What the Cecil B. DeMille Award has taught me- I haven't ever seen a Robert DeNiro movie. These all look pretty good though.

10:05pm- Why are Angelina and Brad such jerks?!  Crack a smile, guys!  Being beautiful doesn't take that much concentration!

10:08pm- DeNiro's pretty funny!  And that didn't go on for too long.  Classy guy.  Especially his outfit:

Actually what he wore to accept the award.  This might be a lie.  Also, does he not look like Jon Hamm here?

10:14pm- I like that every terrible movie has been nominated in the "comedy" category.  They thought the category was "movies so bad it's funny."

10:15pm- Facebook just won for best movie adapted from a website!  I love that he just said "thank you to all the real people on which this movie is based" and then they panned over to James Franco.  Do they think he's Mark Zuckerberg?

10:18pm- Glee just won for gayest thing on TV.

10:24pm- Oh god, any time I even see clips from Black Swan I get goose bumps of fear.  They made Alicia Keys get off the stage so that Halle Berry could get on.  I support this decision.

10:26pm- Paul Giamatti is winning the award for biggest perv, apparently.  They keep shooting him from the back so that we don't see his boner.  I liked when everyone laughed when he referred to "the great nation of Canada." I don't think that was meant to be a joke!

10:31pm- I'm getting a glass of water now.

10:34pm- Natalie Portman won for scariest portrayal of a winged creature.  Her fiance is a dancer and his last name is Millipied.  There's no way that's his real last name.  Oh, her grandma is apparently an alcoholic.

10:38pm- Tim the Tool Man Taylor.  And this blog has gone full circle.

10:41pm- nothing to say about The Kids Are All Right.  I'm downloading it now, so I have no opinion of it as of yet.  Although Julianne Moore is in it, so it's already got my vote.

10:46pm- Sandra Bullock is winning the award for most sympathy garnered from a break up!  And the award for best facial hair goes to... COLIN FIRTH for his British facial hair!

10:53pm- Standing ovation for cancer being in remission!!

10:55pm- THE FACEBOOK TAKES IT!  I'm CEO, bitch!  Maytal Kowalski likes The Social Network Winning The Golden Globe and 4 Other Pages!

10:57pm- Ricky Gervais was a lot less controversial than I thought he'd be.  All in all, pretty predictable, some good fashion, some bad fashion, nothing too scandalous.  I give this Golden Globes a Cecil B. DeMille Award for effort.  Good night folks.

An Open Letter to Women

Dear women of the world,

Please stop updating your facebook status with the mundane things you're doing with your boyfriend/fiance/husband, and please God stop referring to this person as "my man."

I accept it; there's no reason for this to annoy me, but it really does.  I'm trying to work through my feelings (my therapist says this is for the best...) so here's some reasons that I think this may bother me:

1- You don't own this person.  I don't know that I'd enjoy someone referring to me as their "woman"- it sounds belittling, disrespectful, and as if I am inferior to my partner.  When you refer to your partner as "your man" I picture you carrying your little dog in a designer purse and dragging your boyfriend behind you as you shop for shoes and drink giant starbucks beverages.  You become a really unflattering stereotype, and someone that we would find downright repulsive if you were male.

2- I wouldn't mind these updates as much if they were something along the lines of "going to build houses for Habitat for Humanity with my man!" but no, it's always "having drinks with my man, then I'm going to poop, and then watch The Bachelor and then go to sleep." Your life is really lame.  And that's okay- mine is too.  But I'm not going to show off about it!  And the fact that "your man" is with you?!  That just tells me that both of you are equally lame.  AND, that you make your partner watch The Bachelor with you.  you bitch.             

You probably also bought him this shirt.  You probably make him wear it out with his friends.  His friends probably beat him up.  I know I would.

3- Honestly, the sound of "my man" just irks me.  It is the "fingernails on the chalkboard" of insecure women needing to tell the world that they have a man in their lives.  I get it- you're going skating with your man, you're going to visit your man's family.  You're going to walk your man because he needs to poop (oh wait, that's your dog, not your man.  I get them confused.  For many reasons.)  I don't care who you're with, who he/she is to you, and when you're doing your mundane activity.  You already have your relationship status on facebook/twitter/myspace/friendster/ICQ, and all your profile pictures are the two of you kissing.  I know that you're with someone.  Leave it at that.

4- I wonder how this would work reversed.  If I saw a male friend of mine with a facebook status along the lines of "taking my woman to a monster truck rally for our 8 1/2 month anniversary!" I'd either think "wow, way to claim ownership, not give her an opinion and take her to dumb shit for dumb occasions" or "wow, your girlfriend agreed to go to a monster truck rally with you if you agreed to make your facebook statuses as dumb as hers."

What is a monster truck anyway?  Because I'd go see this thing!

I am no closer to understanding why this bothers me so much.  There is a lot about relationships that I don't understand, and maybe a public display of digital affection is one of those things.  Why is the term "my man" so much worse to me than "my boyfriend/my husband/my fiancee/my casual sex partner/my male mistress" (I looked up the word for "male mistress"- one does not exist. I'd like to institute "Maestro")? I don't know.  Maybe it's not.  Maybe they're all equally bad.  Maybe I'll discuss this further with my man as we hem the dust ruffle.

Oh, that's an actual thing.  It's like a bed skirt.  It's not a weird sex move.  As far as I know.